My life has never been better!!

there have been a lot of people walking in and out of my life, i've had best friends, good friend, close friends, friends that could do anything for me, friends that i could do anything for. when a friendship ended everytime, i couldn't help but to wonder where did it go wrong, people that i have thought a world of, turned out that he/she was just another mistake i made in building my friendship with, along the way, i found out people were only kind to me because they admired me in some ways, but i dun think i've ever found anybody who loves me because they really know me and understand me. of course, it goes two way in friendship and relationship, come to think about it now, i dun think i could ever have done 1% of what some have done to me and for me, looking at the friendship that we've had. Somebody told me before that i trust easily and people take me for granted, that i should be a bit kinder to myself, this is not true at all,i dun trust easily at all, in fact, of all the people i've known, i barely trusted a few, let alone all. everybody's been hurt before, after being hurt, people tend to build a highly defensive wall around themselves, segregating them from the possible outer threat and thus, sometimes, even from the people they love.
Loneliness is unbearable, people have made a lot of stupid mistakes because of it, the way i see it, it is like a timed bomb, sitting itself securely all over you, when the time comes, when the clock starts ticking, you feel lost and helpless, you feel that something has drained all your strength within, something has demolished the wisdom u've had for years, for just that brief moment, nothing seems to matter anymore, not even yourself. Love is not the reason people act absurdly, but love brings loneliness, and loneliness causes troubles. Of course, not everybody deals with it this way, but no doubt, everybody has been defeated by loneliness in one way or another. I am staying very focused now, because i do not wish to make any mistake by acting my loneliness out, and regret my action later, when you feel lonely, the one and only cure that will come to your mind is to get a companionship, from anyone within your grasp and that includes the person you love, this is not going to happen anymore, because no matter how bright and colourful the firework might seem, it will never last for long, the sparks are just too brief for anybody to hold on to.
i'm not feeling well today, just not feeling well. I am still collecting the pieces of my life from everywhere and trying to piece them in one, the puzzle of life might never be completed, but at least i learn and love along the way.

the time is 3.46am, it's raining heavily,
i've been trying to sleep for the past 3 hours,
but couldnt.
the rain came just in time,
it refreshed my cloudy mind,
there are things that u expect,
and things that u will never expect,
not even until the day u die.

The funny poem on top explains everything that i've been going thru for the past 3 hours, i really am talented in poems :p. I drank 2 cups of coffee this morning when i was in office, dumb choice! i drank it even though i dun have the habit at all, but it was to keep me awake while i was working. i've been planning a lot of things when i was lying on the bed, too many..and some even unworkable, but who should decide whether my dreams are gonna come true, me!! i was shocked last night, truly shocked when i read a sms from a person who i thought i could trust and even though we r not what we used to be, i tot we were not enemies. for the first time last night after many many many days, i felt helpless and lost, i felt that i really had no one in my life, nobody was there for me and nobody would be there for me. but today, i felt differently. i'm supposed to be in charge of my life, nobody's supposed to affect my emotions because if i don't let it, nothing can hurt me! throughout the day i was still shocked, but no longer devastated and miserable, it was a kind of strength that's new to me, and because of this strength, i made myself felt better again

don't let dissapointment and self-pity overwhelm you, i've learned this. Instead of thinking what could have happened that it turned out that way, start thinking how should i relieve myself from the pain, time can heal all pain, and this is so true, take a step at a time, take everything light and easy, and soon enough, you will find that nothing is as terrible as u imagine.

RIDICULOUS!

RIDICULOUS! why should i feel bad and guilty for something which i've not done wrongly?? all this while i have been true to myself, even if it hurts u, i've not lied to myself so far, so y should i be down and i was guilt-stricken for a while, silly me! i did what i had to do and even if nobody could understand me, it's ok, as long as i knew i was right! u guys thought u could make me feel bad? u guys tot everything was my fault? come on, if i did not do what i had to do, it would have been worse for all parties. i dun care anymore, i know i did nothing, even if u tot otherwise. even if one day i have nobody else in the world, i still have myself, that's more than enough, i dun need anyone, i dun trust anyone, i certainly dun care about anyone, nobody can bring me down, try as u may, u can never hurt me, not even close! i promised myself not to let anyone in my world, this is how it is, this is how it will be, the next person that is allowed into my world, he's the one for life! everyone is selfish, i guess i am the most selfless person compared to a lot of people, even if u think i've done u wrong, u r selfish, u never stood in anyone's shoes to think for that person, so y should i put myself in ur shoes and think of what u felt and felt guilty myself?? RIDICULOUS!

Crazy!

i am not that enthusiastic about blog anymore :p, but anyway for my loyal reader (which is myself in 10 yrs time), i am gonna write some random stuff. Blogging does let me release stress (a little), at least during the time of thinking what to write, i dun have to think about other silly things which have been playing on my mind for the past few days. my life was peaceful since a month ago (b4 that it was a mess, really!!) until yesterday, it was turned upside down. Anyway i am gonna share what i plan to do in a few months time, i wanna go for a trip, all alone. I wanna see the things i've never seen b4. i've always heard when you go for a trip alone, u see things that u dun usually see when going for a trip with someone else, let me experience that and i will see if it's true :P

My job leaves me exhausting, but not as much as my life does, but most of the time, i caused the exhaustion myself, serves me right! I've learned from my mistake, never to hope for anything which is not realistic, i love this quote " you are not responsible for what others think of you", well said! and i am those that don't give a damn about what others think about me, not at all, i was myself, am myself and will be myself until i lie in my grave.


Life is still beautiful, no matter how you look at it. But sometimes the beauty turns into horror when i complicate it, so can't blame no one, be direct, be straight-forward, know what you want, always face the truth, always tell the truth even if it hurts others, even if they hate u, even if they start having doubt in you, BE YOURSELF!! Heart is my only thing that i dun wanna lie to, brains are my only assets that can keep me from troubles. I've no complaint about myself so far, because no matter how confusing the situation around me was, i could get myself out of the confusion so far after being trapped in it for a period of time, so i do have STRENGTH, HOORAY!!!!

ok, bye bye, i feel much better already :P

~MONEY~

The time is 7.19pm, and i am still stuck in the office, the reason i am willing to stay overtime is because i have got this sales i need to close, and it all boils down to money money money at the end of the day. Sometimes i ask myself whether it is worth it, to just let go of my life and my "youth" because of dollars and cents. At times i lost the purpose of living, i have no family to pay for, no partner to plan and build my future with, all i have eventually is just myself. But certain reasons give me the strength to go on, and it makes me realize that i don't only have myself, i have my dreams and i have a lot to work for, so here i am, staying till 7.26pm, writing this boring stuff, gtg back to work, client will be here soon :D

Relationship

Today i'd like to write about relationship, i've no idea why, but here i am. When i first created the blog i told myself not to write about this topic, partly because i've never been good at it, so there's no point writing about it, the other part is because my siblings MIGHT read my blog now and then, so i think it's not such a good topic to share with them. but anyway, as my sis once told me "blog is used to express your thoughts and feelings, no strings attached, no responsibility, whatever is on your mind, and whether it is an absurd topic, as long as u feel like letting it out but nobody is there to share with u, well blogging is always there", this is so true. Relationship and i do not go along so far, i've been in and out a few, and it always ended tragically. Each and everytime it ended, i got to know myself better but at the same time, it pained me to realize that i could never be in a relationship with anybody if i did not love myself better. When couples get married, are they really in love or they are only getting married because they are used to the existence of each other? it's a fine line between these two and people often get confused, i think. Being out of relationship recently made me realized that i was weak, weaker than i thought i was. i needed a person to be there for me and to attend to my every needs but at the same time, i was afraid to sacrifice and compromise, this is absolute selfish, love can never exist in selfishness. When a relationship ends, the winner is not the person who asks for a break up, but the loser is both. I've learned that when you have the person u love with u, appreciate him/her, because when u lose it, u lose everything, and i've learned this painfully. So i will never make the same mistake again, never ever, because i know the next person that i be with, i will be with him whole-heartedly, and well if i could not find THE one, then i am quite content with myself, learning to love myself is the first step of loving others. Overall, i've never regretted any single moment, because if i did not go through all these, i would not have thought about relationship differently, and my relationship would always be a failure, no matter who the person is, well, i still have a long way to go, i know and i'm willing to walk alone now until i find someone whom i can share my journey with :D

To Hell With You & out of sight, out of mind

I've never been afraid of puppies, r u kidding me? i love puppies. In fact i influenced my whole family into liking puppies. But since yesterday, i started doubting my affection. My mom brought this furkid home yesterday, she's helping my grandparents to take care of it, and the last time i met this strange little thing was at least half a year ago, or perhaps more, not sure...anyway this furkid is known to be friendly and active and it befriended every single human living that has ever been to my grandparent's house. So when my mom brought it home, i was thinking to myself, at least i had "something" to play with. When it first saw me, for the first 5 minutes, it was ok, wagging his tail and whatnot, then he suddenly barked at me, and not the friendly bark, it was loud and ferocious (well ferocious is a big word for a little thing like him), and it looked at me like i've just murdered his family right in front of his eyes, he took a few steps forward and a few backward, well if i would have kicked him, he would have been gone to the puppy heaven by now. And i was taken aback, i was wondering what was wrong with him, and this has been going on for 2 days now, he even bit me this morning while i was patting its head, i really can't figure out why. now i know i am not only a stranger to my family, i am a stranger to a puppy too :P. My sister started giving ridiculous reason, "your hair looks like lion and lion belongs to the feline family", and my brother, "could be your contact lenses because u r wearing green, maybe he doesn't like green", joker!!! This has got me wondering, the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" could be true.

"out of sight, out of mind"- the first time i heard this phrase, it was from my mom, i still remember we were talking about high school friends, how we close we used to be and when we graduated from high school, everybody had changed, even those who were closest. It got me into thinking, when you don't see a person all the time, does it mean your brains start erasing all the memories u share with this person bit by bit? i've seen too many examples of this, it leads to a further question, do we only care about the person that we see everyday?? no matter how close u were, no matter how much u've shared, what u've shared, when he no longer sees u everyday, he will get used to the impression that he does not need to see u at all, i know this is not true, i am just being extreme :D well damn exhausting, will continue tomorrow, ciao !!!

FaceBook!!

FaceBook is the "in" thing now, everybody (well almost everybody) is using it, our life can never be usual without checking who leaves a comment on our photos or that who and who are in relationship or even better, break up :D. we maintain our relationship and friendship by depending on this medium and a lot of times people even fight among themselves over comments or whatsoever that is being posted on FB. Most of the people think that FB is useful because we only need to click and read, and information or updates of our friends are on our fingertips, it saves the trouble of posting a letter or better, meeting up with your friends over a coffee to see how they are. well, to me, FB is useful no doubt, useful for me to get to know new people from all around the globe and to be in touch with friends whom i've lost contact years ago (i really mean YEARSSSSS), but what about the human touch? what about the feeling of wanting to say something to a person and the satisfying expression from the person you love? we've lost all that!! A lot of people do not know how to communicate anymore, verbally, but they can all compete for the world's fastest typist, we've left the art of communication behind and what we do is, we read from letters and alphabets to see what is going on with a person's life (well such as blogging :P). A very funny thing happened to a friend of mine, she broke up with her bf and the next day they broke up, he changed his status from "married" to "single" and of course, a number of friends left him comments asking him what was going on, and the reply went back and forth but nobody actually called to ask and after a few days, as expected, case closed. what i'm trying to say is, nobody really cares if you are sad on FB because they can't see your emotion while u're typing, even if it's heart-breaking, they will not give a damn because they don't bother to know what you really feel, they are more concerned with what is written in your post. Things were definitely different years ago, when a friend was heart-broken, they went for a talk over a cup of frappucino at Starbucks and they shared their pain and agony, they talked about what went wrong and even gossiped about ex-partner, and miraculously, it fixed a little portion of the broken heart (everybody has experienced this, don't deny), was it because of the frappucino or the talk? or maybe because of both. Ask yourself, when there's something new happening to you (be it good or bad) and u post it in fb, how many of your friends there will actually give u a call and ask about it?? or they merely use 5 seconds to leave u an extremely short message or comment, thinking that this is enough to show the world how "close" you guys are. I've chosen not to disclose a lot about what is happening to me in FB, because to me, it has nothing to do with anybody and even if they know about it through my post on FB, it's not gonna make me any happier or more miserable, it just doesn't affect me. so why should i share my life issues with friends who merely share the same website and the keyboard with me? But undeniably, it is satisfying to see what's new with the person u have a soft spot for and checking your partner's fb account is almost as...........sinful and tempting as eating a bar of dark chocolate with caramel coated :P. i'm sure most of you have seen millions of pictures of that 15 friends in your FB, and pictures of them "cam-whoring" (as what they call it, to me the phrase really sounds fucked up because it is demeaning) in the public toilet, in the car (with a seatbelt strapped on) or in the mall. some might say they are just having the time of their lives and wanna share it with friends, the truth is, they want to show the Gucci bag that they are carrying in their hands or the Armani clothes they are wearing, or even the new camera phone that they use to take the picture. It leaves us to another issue, why are we so VAIN? Have we lost ourselves to think that all these things define us? But still, it's cool to show off once in a while :P so from now on, if you want to be treated like a human with feelings instead of words and alphabets, call that friend who changes his status from "married" to "single" on FB and that friend who comes back from the europe trip with the whole album-filled of pictures uploaded on FB :D

p/s- this article applies to friendster, hi5 and u name-it-all social networking website on the internet!

The First Blog Ever !!

Hello everyone, well i am not even sure if anybody would be reading this, anyway why should i care if anybody is reading? i am never the type that will share my life story with anybody and never thought that i would, but everything has its first time :D, i owe this "first time" to my sister because i am the biggest fan of her blog and it seems so easy for her to just express anything on her mind, not to say it is not good though, but it will be a little tough for me in the beginning. Through my sister's blog, i saw myself in her eyes, how she felt about me, what was on her mind, and at a point of time, i was devastated to realize that our communication limited to the articles she published about me on the blog (well there were only 2 or 3 anyway, the rest is about her BF and BFFs :P). Since this is the first blog, i'm gonna talk about my family because they are most important to me, although at times they might not feel so. I have wonderful parents who have gone through ups and downs in life and still have the strength to go through them for many years to come. My sister, sometimes she's a retard but overall she's adorable and sweet (when she wants to be), and she's a all-rounder, she's freaking good in studies and everything that she does, she's the pride of our family (I gladly hand over my place to her when i went to study somewhere else). our little brother, the apple of the family's eyes, he's smart and matured, the only person who would help around the family chores :P and well i always think to myself : this is gonna be one good catch for ladies when he grows up, because he's just perfect in my eye ( i talked abt zhi hao a little bit more because nobody talks about him on blog, so dun be jealous ok jing? :P). My siblings might not realize it but they mean the world to me, more than what i mean to myself. This blog is getting pretty long and i could go on and on but it is time to stop now, the longer i stay here (not sure how long it will last or how determined i will be to keep blogging) the more i will reveal about myself :P ( not that anybody really gives a damn ), so STAY TUNED!!!