Monday, April 26, 2010

I am done

My eyes are burning, I don't know of any other way to let it all out. Have you ever felt that you are helpless and hopeless at the same time, with this giant empty hole inside you? it's a very screwed up feeling, maybe this is the consequence of knowing too much. Humans are not supposed to know so much, most people are happy because they know what is sufficient for them to know to get on with life, but knowing more than that, it starts burning a hole inside, bit by bit, until u can't even breathe anymore. I feel that i dun belong in this world, at this moment, i wish i could be somewhere else than here. I think if it wasn't because of my family, i would have given up long ago, I would have quit from living, everything i tot i knew of, nothing is true, they are all just a pile of sandcastle that you've tried so hard to build, but when the wind comes, it all falls apart, life is pretty funny, it works so hard to bring you down and you work so hard to suck it all up, try standing up again, once, twice, thrice and it goes on for the rest of your life. I thought that empty space could be filled up, with time and other essences such as love and faith, faith in myself that it would all go away and all be okay again, little did i know it only took one small blow to make the emptiness more hollow and harder to bear, and yes, now there's a hole in my heart, i guess no matter how i try to fill it up, it will just drift away. I despise this life and more than that, i despise myself, I despise the fact that I've lost all my faith in everything, I've lost my faith in believing something could be good, anything at all..nothing is good. I wonder if I had to go on with this life alone, if i had to do it all alone, would everything be better? perhaps there's nothing worthy in me, love does not bring out the better in me, it brought out all the empty sorrow and reminded me again and again how foolish i could be...so why hold on to it? wouldn't it be better to deal with life alone and let all the sadness come and pass me, to just let it go through me like it doesn't matter..i dun wanna make anything matter anymore, i am done...and doomed...

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